Do Not Get Along With Parents in Grad School

August 01, 2016

"Helicopter parenting" is a term recognized by most, but have you heard of "snowplow parenting?" This usually begins when an over-parented child begins college and the parent moves to the role of knocking out any obstacles that might come in the way of their child's college experience.

As a graduate admissions administrator, I'm concerned over the increasing number of calls and emails I get from parents on behalf of their child.  These check-ins vary from inquiries about application requirements to follow-ups on receipt of transcripts.  Whatever the reason behind the call, it's clear who is orchestrating the pursuit of graduate education.  And it isn't the student.

Parents' intentions are pure. We love our kids deeply and want only the best for them. But we've fallen into the trap of fearing that our kids can't manage without our guidance. They might experience hurt and heartache that we just can't bear to watch.

But what parents don't realize is that snowplowing works against their kids. While their elementary and high-school teachers were willing to spoon-feed requirements  for student success, college administrators, admissions committees and professors don't have the time or interest to fill this role. Instead, we're looking for students resilient enough to navigate the choppy waters of higher education on their own.

With this in mind, here are four reasons why your parents should not be involved in the application and admissions process when choosing a graduate school.

1. Self-motivation and self-reliance by prospective students is a plus.

Especially at the graduate level, admission committees and faculty are looking for independent thinkers who can aid in new and existing research.  If you aren't taking the lead in the application process, this raises serious questions about how independently you work.  There isn't room in the lab or classroom for Mom or Dad.

2. Confidence and competence are necessary in adult life.

Over-controlling parents undermine the competence and confidence of their growing children.  In 2013, the American College Health Association surveyed close to 100,000 college students from 153 different campuses about their health. When asked about their experiences, at some point over the past 12 months:

• 84.3 % felt overwhelmed by all they had to do
• 51.3 % felt overwhelming anxiety
• 8.0 % had seriously considered suicide

While we hope to prevent our kids from experiencing a sense of failure, we short-change them from learning to set priorities and balance life's demands. These are critical skills needed in graduate school and the whole of adult life.

 3. Parent involvement immediately brands the potential student as a child.

In higher education, students are regarded as adults.  When parents email on the student's behalf, there is a legitimate concern that the student lacks independence and maturity. When I answer the phone and hear "I'm calling on behalf of my son to find out what the application requirements are," I assume the son has no ability to interact with faculty and administrators on his own. That will be considered when there are limited number of openings in a competitive program.

4. Parent involvement puts the faculty's guard up.

At most colleges and universities, administrators and faculty are willing to do whatever is needed to assist a student having a problem.  Our job is to help you be successful.  However, once a parent enters the situation, things get knocked up a level. We wonder, if they don't like my answer, will they go to the dean?  The provost?  The president, or even an elected state official? Now we are much less likely to go out of our way to cut someone a break or go the extra mile to assist.   Whether explicitly stated or not, the threat of things accelerating to another level decreases our desire to help.

In conclusion...

Letting go is hard, but transitions are a normal part of life. Kids suffer more in the long run, if their parents rob them of experiencing the ups and downs of life's transitions,.  Your parents might think they are being helpful.  But for your own sake, pursue graduate education on your own.

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Topics: Graduate School Resources

Shelly Quance has spent almost 20 years working in higher education marketing communications. She currently serves as Director for West Virginia University's Office of Graduate Admissions and Recruitment where she works collaboratively with College leadership to develop, implement, and evaluate creative and effective comprehensive communication and marketing plans to increase graduate student enrollment.

Do Not Get Along With Parents in Grad School

Source: https://blog.graduateadmissions.wvu.edu/the-summit-ahead/4-reasons-not-to-involve-your-parents-in-your-grad-school-application-process

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